When going with the flow wears you all the way down.
With the complicated problems of real life, a certain flexibility can help you make creative, win-win solutions.
But there’s another type of flexibility that gets to be too much.
The “going with the flow” approach that is actually just a quiet, daily compromise—the kind of unstructured chaos we accept just to survive the day.
It’s that pretend generosity we’ve learned to perform, shifting our priorities around everyone else until we’ve completely lost the plan for ourselves.
Sometimes, life is unpredictable. There are seasons where you just do what you can, when you can, and that’s enough.
But for many people, that “survival mode” became a default setting back in childhood or from those first years on their own.
When you keep using that emergency-focused approach long after the fire is out, it stops looking like “openness” and “resilience” and it starts becoming a liability to your own health and happiness.
When “going with the flow” is working for you, you’ll feel connected to the benefits. You’ll be able to access a sense of calm and centeredness.
But, if you’ve just been obeying your impulse to avoid or fear of saying ‘no,’ you’ll just feel like the Tasmanian Devil.
You might be surprised to find that life actually has more room for a measured, intentional order than you think—if only your inner tyrant would stop whispering that you have to handle everything right now.
This is exactly why I help my clients understand: your old coping skills got you this far, but they may not be able to get you to your next level.
When looking to put out fires, you’re missing the chance to actually build something real. You’re trading your recovery and your mental space for the illusion of being “available,” “responsible,” or “nice.”
If your personal time, your peace of mind, or your life goals are being eaten away by tiny, loud interruptions or internal anxiety, try a reset. Do it on purpose. Don’t wait for permission.
Pick a clear strategy to protect your peace FOR REAL.
- Set the channel: If you’re a professional, stop responding to texts on demand. Make people use a formal channel for updates. You are not a short-order cook. (Unless you are literally a short-order cook at work. In that case, please don’t let your friends and family make you work like that at home!)
- Expand the Buffer: If you have kids or coworkers who count the minutes to when you’re “available,” push back your “available” time by 30 minutes. Use that time to actually finish your work so you can fully transition.
- Make a Hard Stop: Know when conversations, appointments, hangouts, and meetings need to end in order to give you a chance to reset before your next thing. Communicate when you need to be done.
- Protect the Calendar: Put yourself on your calendar as a non-negotiable item. You may need to put your lunchtime, your nail appointment, heck, even your shower on the calendar to make it feel real. If something essential is not getting done, protect the time and communicate that you’ll be unavailable until it is done.
- Be intentional about your energy: If you’re doom-scrolling about the state of the world, find a formal channel for your activism. Plan, participate, and express your values in a decisive way. Being frozen by fears and anxieties, when you’re trying to be functional is counterproductive (and exactly what the “bad people” want.)
- Get clear about your plan to earn more at work. Sometimes the pressure to “be available” at work comes from taking on too much volume or trying to overperform. If you’re trying to be the “good employee,” don’t make assumptions! Have a direct conversation about your specific path forward at your company. If you are self-employed, write out each of the tasks that actually help you progress and which ones are just busy-work. Knowing exactly which tasks will help you progress will help you reclaim your capacity and your time. It will help you say no to requests that do not serve the work or your goals.
You’ve already done the hard work of getting to this far. If you want support as you untangle those old patterns in your way, I’m here to help. You can send me a message via my CONTACT page and I’ll get back to you with a time to talk!